One Day At A Time

My load is lighter in some ways, not in others. Today we begin our transition back to our new normal, our reality. Peppered with feelings our bodies don't know how to process. The girls are excited to see their friends, get back to dance class, get back to school. They will miss their Daddy terribly, but that has become normal. 

And honestly, I too have some excitement to see them excited. The beginning of school is always a time of new beginnings. I love the idea of a fresh start. A new year full of promise. I can't imagine needing that more right now. But, as I am sure you can imagine. I am devastated. I am weary. I am broken. I am being asked to walk a road no one wants to walk. 

We get married to have a helpmate. As spouses we are called to help carry the load. To have a companion., a soulmate, my other half. Yes, I am grateful, but my heart aches. God gives us a need to take care of those we love. I need to care for Mark. I need to be the one for him to lean on. That's my number one responsibility as a wife. Yet, my girls need me, too.  It seems so unbelievably overwhelming to think through the coming days. 

I am grateful for Mark's life and appreciate the fact that without someone else losing their life, my grief would be 100 times greater.   I am always strongest in the fight. It is only after the fight the full gravity of the battle, the full event weighs on me. I am weary. I don't think I have slept a full six hours or more in years, and definitely not more than a couple hours a night for as long as I can remember. I have lived out of a suitcase since June 1 when Mark was hospitalized and we knew he would either leave with a new heart or he would be going to heaven. 

I think only now the full weight of our journey is hitting me. A new provider saw us today in clinic and reconfirmed how sick Mark was. We were extremely close to saying goodbye to him. Only waiting on the transplant list for 45 days at 1A is extraordinary. But it also means one thing...Mark was sick. He was sicker than anyone realized or that we fully shared. He was knocking on deaths door. I knew it. I watched him slowly decline, then rapidly decline. I knew he did not have long and he did, too. Every time I saw him, the voice in my head reminded me to hold on with every part of my being. I knew without a heart quickly, it was just a matter of time. 

We placed our faith on the Gods of all Gods. The Lord of Lords. The Prince of Peace. I knew without a miracle, my life would be changing in ways I can't even imagine or wrap my head around. And I knew, that very well could be the outcome. Even if He chose to take us down the road of Mark not getting his new heart we had committed to giving Him the glory for all the great things He had done and accomplished through Mark's life and through our family. Our lives. Our testimony.

I was already grieving. And that doesn't mean, I did not have faith. That simply means I was preparing for what the Lord would provide for me. So many people like to say the phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle."  I am here to say He absolutely will and does! I cringe every time I hear a well meaning person comfort with these words. At times I think I have said those words in an attempt to comfort others. I urge you not to say this to anyone. What it shows is you have not been blessed with a life situation that shakes you to your core. In those situations, you can't handle it. You have to give it to God or give up completely. Mark and I, nor our girls, nor our families have made it through this trial on our own. 

We have leaned on and been carried by God every step of the way. We did not handle this on our own. We did NOT handle this on our own. God handled this for us and saw us through it. He will continue to carry us because this journey is far from being behind us. 

I know our Lord has gotten us this far. It has been an incredible year. It has been an awful year. It has had held more stress than any year should ever hold. 

I have been separated from the love of my life for the better part of 8 grueling months . Months of worry, fear, stress, anxiety and of joy, hopefulness and faith. I have cried on this flight more times than I can count. Leaving Rochester without Mark will never be easy. 

As we head back to reality, I ask for your prayers.  I know this next step has to happen.  And, I know I will not be able to handle the stress on my own.  Mark still has lots of recovering.  He will have heart caths every week for four weeks, then every other week, then once a month.  A total of 18 heart caths over a year's time to biopsy his new heart and ensure it isn't being rejected.  He still has open wounds that are healing and he is undergoing intensive cardiac rehab for the fourth time in as many years.  

Our girls need time to heal emotionally.  They will be preparing to get back into our normal routine and none of us fully know what that will be like after having an experience such as this. I will be headed back to work and juggling the joys and stress of raising four girls on my own. What we know is that we will have good days and days we feel the stress of all we have been through.  We will miss Daddy terribly and at the same time enjoy sweet girl time. I am sure we will look back on this year and find the happy memories.  One day we will see how this unbelievably hard year has prepared us for the next mountain top.  I bet some of our favorite memories will include Rochester and the sweet new friends we have made.  I bet we will remember all the good we have seen from others.  I bet we will forget the painful moments and reminiscence on how close we felt to God in these moments.  For now, we are soaking in all the experiences and just trying to make it. one. day. at. a. time.