Hidden Blessings

Day 34 — Today is the 34th day Mark has been waiting on the 1A heart transplant list in ICU at Mayo Clinic, 42 days consecutive in the hospital, plus an additional 5 days the last week of May, for a total of 47 days out of the last 51. Today also marks 150 days of Mark living 1,200 miles away from me and our 4 girls!  In some ways it feels like a lifetime, in others time seems to be flying by more quickly than I can comprehend.

Much has happened over 6 months. The girls have grown-up physically, mentally and emotionally. They have had growth spurts in every way possible.  I see changes every day. They had amazing achievements in school, despite the circumstances they are living. 
We have learned a "new" normal routine, with lots of help from their grandparents.  Thankfully they all are enjoying a more relaxed schedule during the summer. Between work and parenting 4 girls, my world is anything but relaxing. Those who know me well know that I thrive on staying busy. Although, I have come to a point that a nice boring night without a schedule is heaven.  And thus, my return to blogging.

Mark is settled into life as a long-term ICU patient. He has learned that being a patient is a full-time job. His days are filled with constant interaction from his nurses (1:1 ratio—24 hours a day). It is rare to have even a short conversation without interruption of nursing staff or constant alarms and monitoring. We have had high moments and low moments. We have said a million times...one day at a time. All I can handle is one day at a time.

God is seeing us through. His plan is perfect and we have watched as our paths, twists, turns and all, have unfolded in an intricate manner,  pointing only to Him. I never imagined we would survive living separately...but we are. I never imagined Mark would need a heart transplant...but he does. I never imagined our girls would be called to accept such crazy realities as normal...but they have. I never imagined I would have to be strong enough to carry all six of us...but I am. 

We have seen God move others to bless us in amazing ways. The cards, messages,  texts and calls to check on us have encouraged our hearts. And, the simple acts of kindness have brought smiles and tears.  From care packages, to gift cards for dinners out, to financial gifts, airline miles, children's artwork,  a prayer shawl and notes that churches and God's children from coast to coast are praying for us—some are life-long friends and others we may never meet. We are humbled. We are counting our trials as blessings. We are seeing others be touched, even inspired, and for that we give all glory to God.

Last year, it was placed on my heart that I am enough. Enough with a capital E. I have struggled for years juggling responsibilities and the little voice in my head. Am I enough?...to my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my church, my team at work? Am I enough? God is showing me every single day that I am Enough. I am grateful at moments and search for meaning at other moments.

Wrapping one's mind around the reality we are living is mind-boggling.

We don't understand why we go through so much? Why did Mark have to leave home to get advanced health care knowing that people all over the world travel to our local hospitals for care? Why do our children have to live without their daddy at home and endure the stress, anxiety and emotional impact? Why does someone else's family have to say goodbye to their loved one for us to have a chance to be reunited, a hope for our life to one day return to normal? We try not to get hung up on the why. We are human and sometimes that is the most therapeutic exercise. Just to say it out loud or to write it down. 

I have so many opportunities to see others suffer through trials. I hear stories daily of families coping with the ups and downs of nursing their children through unthinkable sickness—some overcoming unbelievable odds; others saying goodbye. I see the struggles. The financial stress, the emotional stress, the never ending quest for a cure. I also see the blessings, I see the joy that kindness brings. The impact and healing power of the smallest acts.  

I have watched friends enduring tragic loss of loved ones, miscarriages, infertility, struggling in their marriages, personal sickness, caring for aging parents, managing everyday life in a fallen world. I have watched my grandmother take her last breath. I have said goodbye to my 15-year-old puppy.  

What have I learned from all of this?  I have learned that we all are dealing with more than anyone from the outside can imagine.  Life is hard.  Life is full of obstacles.  True blessings come from seeing through those experiences and finding joy. Blessings are everywhere. You just have to stop long enough to see them.